April 28, 2009

Housewife Anthem

Sung to the tune of Independent Woman by Destiny's Child.

If you want to do it Karaoke style here's a decent instrumental version. Just right click on it and choose 'open link in new tab'.


Okay, here we go:

Question: Tell me what you think about me
Don't own my own business, I don't make money
Care for my family cause they need me
My job's all hours and I don't get leave

Question: Tell me how you feel about this
I try to organize all the chores that exist
Clean my own house, and I raise my own kids
In charge of everything, I run a real tight ship

The shoes on their feet
I clean them
The clothes they're wearing
I clean them
The food they're eatin'
I cook it
'Cause they depend on me

If I wanted a clean house today
I clean it
The laundry folded
I fold it
The car vacuumed out
I clean it
All depends on me
(They depend on me)

All the women with dependents
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys doin' housework
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas raisin' babies
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn't know you could clean house like that
Baby, how your momma cleans house like that
Girl I didn't know you could raise kids like that
Baby, how your momma raises kids like that

Tell me how you feel about this
Why would I work if not for my kids?
I work hard and sacrifice to give what I give
Ladies, it ain't always easy havin' dependents

Question: How you like this knowledge I put forward?
Braggin' on those kids you got is your favorite reward
They're worth the trouble of these never ending chores
No one else could ever love them more

The shoes on their feet
I clean them
The clothes they're wearing
I clean them
The food they're eatin'
I cook it
'Cause they depend on me

If I wanted a clean house today
I clean it
The laundry folded
I fold it
The car vacuumed out
I clean it
All depends on me
(They depend on me)

All the women with dependents
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys doin' housework
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas raisin' babies
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn't know you could clean house like that
Baby, how your momma cleans house like that
Girl I didn't know you could raise kids like that
Baby, how your momma raises kids like that

You raisin' kids?
Well, yeah.
You clean the house?
Sure 'nuff.
We'll clean these people up housewife style

Child of this mommy(Woah)
Raising family(Woah)
No one else can complete the(Ooh Woah)
Housewife's chore list(Woah)

All the women with dependents
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys doin' housework
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas raisin' babies
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn't know you could clean house like that
Baby, how your momma cleans house like that
Girl I didn't know you could raise kids like that
Baby, how your momma raises kids like that

Girl I didn't know you could clean house like that
Baby, how your momma cleans house like that
Girl I didn't know you could raise kids like that
Baby, how your momma raises kids like that

Good morning babies!
Good morning Mommy!


I Hate That

Why is it when poetry is read on the CBC it's always in a breathy, overly expressive, strident tone of voice?

It's like the reader is trying to impart to the listeners: Pay attention because this is POETRY and poetry is deep and IMPORTANT.

I heard a poetry reading on the radio the other day - a poem about Leonardo Da Vinci that was written on the theme of 'flight' for a poetry contest, not a bad poem if it hadn't been read in such a ridiculous tone of voice - and it made me think of a poem I wrote:

Morning sleeping, headache
Eyes closed, snap
A woman's voice, strident
Filled with conviction
A ferry ride, a duck's
Save me from
Early morning radio

I originally posted this poem in Feb 2008 in response to being woken up, early Sunday morning, by a poem being read in a self-important poetry voice on the radio. Yes, to answer the obvious question, the poem - the one that was read on the CBC on a cold Sunday morning in a strident poetry voice - was about a ferry ride and mentioned a duck's behind. Obviously, it was very important and soul expanding.

So please, if you ever get the chance to read poetry out loud to an audience, don't use poetry voice. It just distracts everyone from the poem itself and, this is the important point: it's really, really annoying.

Just sayin'



April 24, 2009

Because the Fun Never Ends Around Here

I've been tagged by KnitPurlGurl over at Mammatudes. Did you know that Mammatudes isn't just a blog anymore? It's also a social network - kind of like Facebook, but for moms. Head on over and sign up and don't forget to friend me because I'm needy like that.

And because I like to have a gimmick, I'm going to get Hubby to answer these questions about me. It'll be fun because Hubby hates these things. Well, it'll be fun for me. Less fun for Hubby.

How well does Hubby know me? You be the judge

What’s your current obsession? TJ Thyne in a suit (I think Hubby is jealous. Heh)
What’s your weirdest obsession? God! How many obsessions are people supposed to have?
What are you wearing today? Clothes. What a boring question.
Why is today special? Hmm... (Strums guitar). I don't know. Because Buddy and Monkey got to go on a playdate to their friend's house?
What would you like to learn to do? Sew.
What’s the last thing you bought? You definitely bought groceries yesterday. Did you buy coffee or anything since?
What are you listening to right now? Me play on the guitar.
What’s your favorite weather? Nice. Spring or fall, not too hot or cold.
What’s your most challenging goal right now? Get us moved in properly and find child care so that you can do your masters degree.
What do you think about the person who tagged you? Hubby has no idea... I'll field this one. She's one talented lady. She knits, she scraps, she starts social networks, runs three blogs and hosts giveaways. Amazing.
What's your favorite guilty pleasure? ANTM?
Favorite vacation spot? Mount Desert Island.
What would you like to have in your hands right now? The keys to the fairy kingdom?
What would you like to get rid of? Your stress, I expect.
If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? An hour? I think if you were to go anywhere for just one hour you'd want to schedule it for some time other than now.
Which language do you want to learn? If you were going to learn one, you'd want to learn Spanish.
What super power would you like to possess? Stopping time.
What’s your favorite thing about the city you live in? Exploring. Either that or getting good pastries.
What’s your favorite piece of clothing in your own closet? Not sure.
If you had $150 now what would you spend it on? I'd ask you to put it in the bank (sinister laughter).
Do you admire anyone’s style? I think so.
Describe your personal style. You can't fool me into answering this question just by pretending it's in some internet quiz.
Who’s fashion show would you want tickets to? Frown, shrug.
Who’s closet would you want to raid? Hmm... I don't know.
What are you most proud of? The kids.
If you could choose one person who has passed to have lunch with who would it be and why? Your Grampy who did the jig.

My name is Hubby and I endorse this quiz.


Monkey On Mom

I saw this quiz at The Miss Elaine-ous Life and had to grab it because what's Friday without a little cute?

What is something that Mommy says to you a lot? I love you.

What makes mom happy? Her loves me

What makes mom sad? When I say I don't love you?

What does Mom do to make you laugh? Jokes!

What was I like as a child? A baby stuffed toy.

How tall is Mom? One hundred. That's way too much?

What’s Mom’s favorite thing to do? Go on the 'puter.

What does Mom do when you’re not around? Stay home and go on the 'puter.

What is mom really good at? The 'puter.

If I become famous what will it be for? Makin' stuff for everyone at her house.

How do you know Mom loves you? 'cause her really really likes me.

What am I not very good at? a broken 'puter. Me: Fixing a broken computer? Monkey: yeah.

What is my favorite food? I don't know. Octopusses.

What makes you proud of Mom? board games, because you won all the time.

If mom were a cartoon who would she be? Super Smash Brothers. She'll say, "Hi-yaaaah-aaah!"

What do Mom and you do together? Poop ah hahaha. Play a board game.

How are we the same? because we do the same things almost.

How are you and Mom different? because we do different things.

Where’s mom’s favorite place to go? Loblaws (grocery store), to school, to work

Me and the Monkey on the day we met


April 23, 2009

Cut It Out

Dear Animal Rights Activists,

I heard on the radio this morning that scientists are rallying at UCLA because they've been targeted and attacked by you. I understand you want to save the animals but I think that you really need to rethink your tactics. Your tactics are not okay.

I'll go further: Your tactics are psychotic.

You see, I like Monkeys. So, normally when I hear that scientists are doing drug addiction research using Monkeys, I'd think that that is so not right.

But, then, when I hear that you've been lighting people's cars on fire in their driveways, planting bombs and showing up masked at their houses in the middle of the night to terrorize them and their families, well I've gotta tell ya, my sympathies are firmly with the scientists. I almost want to send them a monkey as a token of my support.

Your tactics are not helping your cause. Your tactics are not helping the animals.

You are succeeding spectacularly in turning Joe and Josephine Average, people like me, against you.

This is not the way to get things done. So cut it out already, okay?



April 21, 2009

Boo to the Hoo

Today sucks.

1. My laptop is still not working properly. It won't recognize my cell phone or my camera so I can't upload pictures.

I can't really afford a new laptop, but that's what I need.

Anyone want to buy me a new laptop? No? Humph.

2. It's raining. My hair is frizzy.

3. I'm bored. I know that's pathetic in a 33 year old woman, but there it is. BORED.

4. This is the worst blog post ever.

5. I've got feeling sorry for myself for no reason down to a science, don't it?

6. Why don't we meet up here again later - when I'm less annoying, okay?

great. see you then.


Things That Shame Me but Probably Needn't

The other day we arrived home to find a broken window - the outside pane of the living room window had been broken by a neighbourhood child with a ball (how cliché is that?). I called the landlord and they arrived quickly to remove the broken pane.

Today a man arrived to measure for the new window. I was embarrassed because the house is a mess. I told him that if I'd known someone was going to come in, I'd have cleaned up. He told me not to worry, that he has kids too, and he understands that the stickers, markers and paper scattered everywhere are just part of having kids around. Nice guy. I wish this kind of thing didn't embarrass me. Honestly, what a waste of emotion. So my house is messy. Who really cares? I'm sure I'm the only one who does.

I found out that, at school yesterday, Buddy ran out of food and had to go to the office to get a snack at second snack time. How embarrassing.

I've been sending him with a sandwich and veggies and two snacks. Usually he eats one snack at first snack, his sandwich and veggies at lunch and his second snack at second snack. Yesterday, though, he must have been particularly hungry because he ate his apple and his veggies (carrots and cucumber) at first snack and his sandwich and second snack (mini bear paws, berry flavour) at lunch. At second snack time he was sent to the office where they gave him a cheese and crackers and some kind of seed-based bar (Buddy told me that it tasted like seeds but it didn't have any seeds or nuts or anything kids might be allergic to in it and it wasn't a granola or a Nutrigrain bar - obviously it was some kind of food of the future or something).

Buddy does this every once in awhile. He'll eat a certain amount and then, suddenly he'll have a growth spurt and he'll need more. I just wish I'd figured it out before he had to go begging at the office. I'm sure that I don't need to be embarrassed, though. My child needing a little extra once in an entire school year does not, I'm sure, make anyone but me think I'm a bad mother.

So we had the following conversation this morning:

Me: I heard you ran out of food yesterday and had to go to the office for a snack.

Buddy: Yeah

Me: So how many snacks do you need to last the day? Three? Four?

Buddy: Four would be CRAZY!

Me: So how many do you need?

Buddy: Three.

Well, I'm going to cover my bases. I sent him to school today with his sandwich and veggies (carrots, cucumber and orange pepper) and four snacks - two little clementines, an apple, a Nutrigrain bar and some goldfish crackers. I hope that'll keep him fed until 3pm.

I hate that inadequate, shamed feeling. HATE it. How about you? Can you relate?


April 20, 2009

Who Would Win

Welcome to the playground in my head. You'll like it here, there's free popcorn.

So, here's what I'm wondering - Who would win a fight between the following people:

Lindsay Lohan VS. Paris Hilton

Lohan: I'll get you and your little dog, too. Ahhahahaha!
Paris: OMG. That's so hawt.
Lohan: Grrr!

Paris won't defend herself because she's afraid of breaking a nail. Lohan seems like she'd fight mean, too.

Lohan wins.

Dinosaur VS Godzilla

Godzilla is fictional.

Dinosaur wins.

Me VS Cats

A cat and I face off. I break out in hives, I get congested, my eyes get all teary and puffy and I get short of breath. I can't see, I can't breathe and I'm covered in itchy red bumps. However, I have zero effect on the cat. I try saying, "Psssst! Go away, cat!" The cat looks bored, yawns and curls up to sleep in a sunny spot on the floor. I go to bed.

Cat wins.

Wolverine VS. Spiderman

Spiderman is stronger and faster, but he's a lot less mean and (this is key) Spiderman doesn't kill people. He didn't even kill that crook who killed his uncle.

Besides, Spiderman is a whiny little wuss.

Wolverine wins.

Tyra Banks VS. Ellen

I think Tyra Banks can probably shoot laser beams from her eyes, don't you? Failing that, she can just talk: "I am the queen of FIERCE. Congratulations, you're still in the running to be America's Next Top Model."

Ellen will be to busy dancing to notice anything is going on.

Hard to say who wins.

Jay VS. Silent Bob

Jay and Silent Bob face off. Bob tilts his head to the side, looks at Jay and shrugs. Jay says: "I can't stay mad at you Silent Bob. Come here, you fat fuck." They hug.

They both win. Bromance is a beautiful thing.


April 17, 2009

I Hate it When You Call Me That

So yesterday I was in the playground and there was a dad there and he snapped some pictures of his son with Buddy and Buddy's best friend. Buddy's best friend's mom ('s sister's boyfriend's second-cousin-twice-removed's dog's former owner (not actually - I just find those long lists of relationships deeply funny)) asked him to email copies to her. I asked if he'd email them to me, too. He smirked and said, in reference to the photography, "Honey, it's what I do for a living."

Don't call me honey, you pompous man. He didn't take my email address, either, the insert rude name of your choice here. (I'm thinking 'douche' fits fairly well)

'Honey'. I hate that.

Last year, I was out with a friend and we were browsing in a shop. My friend knew the woman who was working there. They started a discussion about peanut butter. My friend doesn't like salt and she was saying how she can't eat regular peanut butter - it's too salty. Peanut butter is a subject on which I consider myself a bit of an expert because my personal three food groups consist of peanut butter, coffee and stuff other people make me. So I jumped in and told her about the peanut butter I buy. I like the all natural 100% peanuts peanut butter.

The shop keeper shook her head, "Oh honey, that stuff is just like paste."

I said, "You have to make sure to buy the 100% peanut stuff, that stuff that doesn't have sugar but still has the shortening added so you don't have to keep it in the fridge is nasty. That's the stuff you must be thinking of."

She rolled her eyes.

'Honey' indeed. What a know-it-all.

'Honey'. Gah! It's so condescending. They always use that special tone of voice people seem to keep for just such an utterance - like they're trying to be patient with the village idiot or something. The sound of it makes my brain melt out my years every time.

In fact, 'Honey' bugs me so much that I'm here a year later complaining about it.

And 'Woman of size'. Gah!

If you have to refer to my size - which you don't, it doesn't make me who I am after all - call me overweight or fat or chubby (just don't call me late for dinner HAR! (stupid joke, but made funny considering I'm talking about being overweight, no? No? Oh okay then.)). 'Woman of size' is something people say when they're trying to spare fat women's feelings but still call them fat. It sucks. Like I said yesterday, I'd rather be insulted than lied to because at least then I can defend myself.

Aside: I had an uncle who once, during my teen years, called me fat. I told him, "I might be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet." He laughed, slapped me on the back and congratulated my parents on my ability to produce a good come back.

Another aside: When I was living in residence in my first year of university ('university' is Canadian for 'college'), I overheard the guy down the hall saying, "She thinks she's all that, but she's really just fat and ugly." That was cold. Note to people who say this kind of thing about other people: Chances are you've misunderstood something. In this case, he thought that I thought I was better than him. I was just really shy. Overhearing this did not help. I transferred to a different school as soon as the year was done. Sometimes people SUCK.

And 'Mom'

This one is okay if you're my child. However, if you did not come from within me or you do not have a paper claiming that I have custody of you please do not call me Mom because I am NOT your momma. I am not making you a sandwich or getting you a band aid and I am certainly not going to help you wipe after you've gone to the bathroom. Just so we're clear.

So, to sum up: Don't call me 'honey', 'woman of size', 'mom' or late for dinner.



Maybe I'm just Annoyed Today

So, I've been directed to check out Susan Boyle, from Britain's Got Talent by enough people I respect (Mad and my MIL - to name two of many) that I had to check her out.

So I watched her, and she's good, and then I saw the list of other acts over in the sidebar on YouTube. I decided I'd check out Flawless, who my MIL also recommended. They're good, too.

But here's the thing: Who are those two thugs over in the sidelines who the cameras keep cutting to? They look directly into the camera and nod enthusiastically and say: "Yeah-heh!" and "di'cha see that?". It's so annoying. If I'm going to watch this stuff, I want to see the ACT not the stupid people in the sidelines. I don't care that they're impressed. I want to see the thing so I can make up my own mind. Are they celebrities or something? The show's hosts? What? Why? Hate, HATE. Grrrr...

So my conclusion is that I'm just annoyed today. By everything.

Watch out world.



Tiny Little Annoyed Thought

Have you heard of Hulu?

Well Hulu is a US only thing.

I am not a US thing. I am a Canadian thing.

I can't watch TV on Hulu, but I'd like to.

Hulu can bite me.

Just sayin'


April 16, 2009

I'm That Kind of Girl

In the interest of sharing more of myself, here's a bunch of random facts about me:

As soon as I finish my degree and get a job, I'm using some of my hard earned money to pay someone else to clean the house.

I can't keep my mouth shut. I once asked a group of the cool kids: "Does your mother let you out of the house wearing that much make-up?" A friend told me the next day that they were planning to jump me, and not in a good way. I've never been able to not speak up when I think someone is being bullied. I think it's because I was bullied a lot when I was a kid. I tend to internalize things. This tragic inability to keep my mouth shut still gets me in trouble.

I was the weird kid.

I'm still the weird kid.

I think I'm funny. This is good because I'm my most constant audience.

It drives me crazy the way Monkey finds nudity so funny. I'll be trying to get him ready for his bath and we'll be getting nowhere because he's bent over, helpless with laughter, because his brother has taken off his clothes to get in the tub. "Naked! Naked Buddy! Naked! Bwahahah." I try to explain that it's not funny or unusual for a person to be naked in the bath, but I don't think the concept has sunk in yet.

Batman is my favourite member of Justice League. I'm impressed how, even though he doesn't actually have super powers, he keeps up with the other members (the man of steel, the fastest man in the world, the guy with the endless supply of green alien power in his ring, an amazon princess who can fly, you get the picture) just because he's really smart, he works out and he rocks a well-stocked utility belt. Plus he's rich and mad hot. Not like superman, who's way too goody goody for my tastes.

I was angry and disappointed when California banned gay marriage. Really mad. I thought that decision was messed up. And wrong. Seriously, California, that is just wrong. I expected more from you.

I have a lot of family photos up on the walls, along with a lot of Japanese wood cut prints and vintage travel posters. My furniture is really studenty. I have ikea stuff and wooden bookshelves stuffed with books. My place is really cluttered and, often, quite dusty. I see your houses with your shiny hard wood floors and grown up furniture and I wonder if I'm missing a nesting gene or something. Your houses are lovely. I like mine, too, though. Now if I could just get over feeling apologetic about it.

I wanted to be a stand up comedian when I was a kid. I like being on stage. I'm good at public speaking. I suck at carrying on a face-to-face conversation with actual people. I'm backwards like that.

I like Hugh Jackman better when he's shirtless, with claws, kicking butt than when he's singing and dancing.

I like video games. My kids play video games. My kids are really good at video games. I really like what that's done for their self-esteem.

I've never tried drugs. I've never even held a cigarette. I don't drink much. I don't think it's evil to do any of the above, it's just not for me: Drugs scare me, cigarettes gross me out and the one time I got drunk, in university, I threw up all night. I hate throwing up. I do love a nice strong pink cosmo, though, and a cold beer is never a bad thing.

I'm not religious. I find religion interesting, as a culture and a belief system. Not just Christianity, all religion, any belief system. I once told some women I shared an office with that I wasn't religious. They asked me how I could have any morals. That was an ignorant and rude question. I don't need religion to have morals. Just so you know.

I like geeky guys. I have a huge crush on TJ Thyne.

I'm not attracted to tall men. I don't like to be towered over.

I married my high school boyfriend. I don't like anyone else as much as I like him. So there you have it. (So romantic, no?).

I am more than just the sum of my chores. I don't like being dismissed because I'm a 'housewife'. This happens to me at parties: "Hi Melanie. Nice to meet you. What do you do?" "I take care of my kids full time." "Oh. Hey look there's Sheryl. Talk to you later. Hey Sheryl! Wait up! Save me from this incredibly boring woman." or, worse: "Well, good for you!"

I like shopping and celebrity gossip and fashion and reality tv and chick flicks and chick lit. I like comic books and video games and dude movies and dick jokes. I like Jane Austen, and philosophy and anthropology and psychology and learning and reading and foreign films with subtitles and documentaries. I like Harry Potter and Facebook and YouTube and vampires. I like to paint and draw and crochet and make jewelry and write. I like coffee and chocolate cake and hamburgers and barbecues. I like salad and brussel sprouts and chicken breast. I like dumb stuff, I like smart stuff, I like girl stuff, I like guy stuff, I like kid stuff, I like popular stuff, I like stuff everyone else hates. I like variety.

I don't like pig-headed bigots, people who litter and people who don't let other people out in front of them in traffic.

I love CBC radio.

I enjoy my own company, except when I drive myself nuts.

I can be quite an anxious person. I try to keep my anxiety under control. I used to suffer from panic attacks. I don't like being stressed.

I'd rather be yelled at than lied to. At least then I can fight back.

I have a temper.

I'm nice.

And I love your shoes.


April 15, 2009

Honesty - My Best Policy

People, it's time I came clean.

I really can't spell.

I couldn't spell my way out of a paper bag. Not even to save my life. Like, for instance, if there was, say, a tiger or a dinosaur or a blog reviewer (heh) in the paper bag with me.

I'm terrible.

Even with spell check, which I always use, I'm terrible. Sometimes I spell words so very, sadly wrong that spell check doesn't even recognize them. I have to play around with the vowels until it offers me the correct choice. And sometimes I'll spell a word correctly and then I'll change it to make it wrong so that I can be sure it was right by choosing it from spell check's suggestions.

Why? I don't know.

Maybe this hearkens back to the fact that, when I was a kid, not only could I not keep my b's and d's straight, I also couldn't keep my c's and s's straight. Or maybe it's because I was in the French Immersion program in school and, as such, I learned to spell in French. Or maybe spelling just isn't my thing, you know?

Or maybe spelling is evil and out to get me.

That must be it.



Oh The Drama!

Hey y'all.

Check out the comments on my My blog is boring post - here. The author of the review I mentioned and a few supporters are commenting. Check out what they have to say.


Sandwich Face

For more Wordless Wednesday, go to 5 Minutes for Mom


April 14, 2009

My blog is boring.

Hi there.

Today I was reading a site that reviews blogs. Well, to be precise, it doesn't so much review them as tear them apart. But that's their M.O. and they're clear about that. The name of the blog? I will fucking tear you apart.

They reviewed a mom blog and the review was harsh. Way harsh. Did you know that people who aren't mom bloggers hate mom bloggers? We write drivel while sitting on our ever expanding asses and neglecting our children, apparently.


And then I was reading all these How to blog and How not to blog articles. And I'm doing a lot wrong. My sidebars are too cluttered. I'm not sharing my opinions about things that matter enough. I'm not sharing enough of myself here at all. I'm just babbling on and on and not really saying anything. My blog is boring.


But it makes me think, you know? What am I going for here, exactly?

I'm not changing lives.

At least not anyone's life but my own.

I won't be submitting my blog for a review at the review site because I don't want them to tear me a new one. I already have one, thanks. And one is enough.

But you, reading this, you should tell me - if I'm not talking about politics or religion or popular culture or current events, if I'm not spouting firm opinions while dropping f-bombs - does that mean I'm a waste of your time and a waste of cyberspace?

Because I gotta tell ya, that's what they're saying out there.