July 25, 2009

My Personal Vendetta

I've read several posts in which a mom gently rescues a cute little bug which has found its way into her house and releases it safely outside to the adulation of her adoring, innocent children.

That's not how it goes down here.

The bugs and I, you see, we have an agreement. They stay outside and they get to live.

When I see a bug I turn into a crazy, bloodthirsty killing machine... Kind of like Wolverine. Not the relatively tame, snuggly, low-key Wolverine of the movies, mind you. He screams and stabs people and launches himself off of balconies and all that, sure, but he's nothing when compared to the Wolverine of the comic books. The Wolverine Origins comics series, for example, is so bloody and violent that I don't even like it to be in same room with the kids. I borrow it from the library and read it with a certain relish (and mustard and ketchup... but I skip the hotdog because hotdogs give me heartburn) but I keep it away from the boys.

Yup, it's the Origins' Wolverine I become when faced with bugs: bloodthirsty and enraged with a wish to kill, kill, KILL (but, you know, only the bad guys n' stuff... I don't wish to kill the good guys or any innocent bystanders. Wolverine and I have our standards, after all). But the bugs must DIE.

I blame Hubby for my uncharacteristic love of comics. He collected them when he was young and I, when I was slowly losing my mind at home with baby Buddy full-time, started sorting through them. Hubby wanted to create an inventory of what he had, thinking he might like to sell them at some point. It was a big job. Hubby has over 5000 comics, all properly in plastic bags with backboards and stored standing up in acid-free boxes.

I started sorting through them but stopped when I came to the X-men comics. Hubby and I used to watch the X-men cartoon when we were in university (that and The Tick and Batman). I'd enjoyed it and liked the characters. I picked up Giant-Size X-Men #1 which was the 1st book in which the characters I was familiar with - Storm, Wolverine, Nightcrawler, etc... - appeared. I started reading and read straight through the entire series. I never did finish sorting the rest of the comics but an X-men fan was born.

Anyway...

Back to bugs.

We sometimes have earwigs hiding in our bathroom. They're actually harmless garden bugs who wander haplessly into the house at night (they're nocturnal) and then make their way to the bathroom because they favour dampness and the bathroom is our dampest room, naturally.


They're harmless to humans but they are so creepy and gross that they freak me out completely. I hate them. Hate. HATE.

So this morning I was cleaning the bathroom and sprayed glass cleaner on our oddly enormous bathroom mirror. Earwigs don't like soap. In fact soap is actually fairly deadly to them. In reaction to the cleaner deluge an earwigs ran out from behind the edging of the mirror. I was rubbing vigorously back and forth with my cloth, trying to scrub off the drops of toothpaste the kids had spit there (messy kids!). Out of the corner of my eye I noticed something fall off of the mirror and onto the floor between the vanity and the wall. "Damn it," I muttered, "I think that was an earwig."

I put my cloth down and looked down into the narrow opening. Sure enough, there hunched an earwig poised to attack. When earwigs are startled, they freeze and arch their backs so that the pincers on their bottoms stick menacingly up. I glared but I couldn't reach it where it was (if looks could kill). Figuring I could wait it out, I started to clean the vanity and accidentally knocked a tube of toothpaste off the side into the opening where the earwig was hiding. "Shit!"

I looked again into the opening and saw that the toothpaste had frightened the earwig so that it was making its way towards me. "That's right you little bastard," I told it, smiling in anticipation of the slaughter, "come on out here."

As the earwig made its way out of the opening on onto the floor of the bathroom I grabbed my cloth and slammed it down on the earwig over and over and over again. On the stereo Johnny Cash moaned, "Oh no I see a darkness, oh no I see a darkness, did you know how much I love you, is a hope that somehow you, can save me from this darkness..." The lights dimmed, lightning flashed. I picked up the carcass in my cloth and cackled a laugh as I disposed of it in the toilet.

Another victory.

Like Wolverine, I'm the best at what I do and what I do ain't pretty.

.....

32 comments :

Mommies-Miracles said...

I had to laugh at your story! The way you write it is absolutely PERFECT. I don't really like some bugs but there are good guys in the bug world and I'm on their side. Keep kickin' those bad guy butts lol.

CC said...

We just started a new "dragon trophy of victory" in our home. Because the kids are too scared to kill bugs and always want us to do it, we are trying to bribe them with the dragon trophy. You get to keep it until the next family member kills a bug. Even ants count around here. ;)

Cynthia at A Shimmy in My Spirit said...

I hate earwigs too.

Thanks so much for coming by and entering my contest. Danielle works hard to spread her passion for science to kids. Blogging for kids from Antarctica would be wonderful.

Tammy Howard said...

Oh, man, how I hate bugs. You and Wolverine, you just keep on keeping us all safe from the bad guys. Thank you.

John Deere Mom said...

I love that you called the bug a little bastard!

Kimberly said...

Earwigs are bad, but I REALLY hate silverfish.

And certain spiders. There are some that sit in their web in the corner of the room and never move. Them I don't mind. The more substantial ones? The ones that move around? Them I hate.

Beth said...

We don't like earwigs either. Love your technique for eradicating them.

The Red Headed Mama said...

wait, earwigs are harmless? really? I swear I always thought they would pinch or bite...or crawl in my ears while camping. Seriously, this has been a fear of mine for years. I see a new blog in my future...but I digress.

My husband is the "let the bugs go" guy, getting spiders on a paper towel and putting them outside. I, however, am the "get the shoe and smash the hell of it" girl. My 6 year old rats me out to daddy all the time, telling him how mean I am for killing the spider, ant or other creepy crawly. Yet it's okay for him to run them over with his cars while playing outside? hmmm

:)

Jenn said...

Hot dogs do the same thing to me! What is that, the lips or the assholes?
My ex and I used to collect too. XMEN and Wolverine were our thing.

Earwigs, however, are the most yuckified creatures on the planet. Whenever I try to kill them they are impenetrable. So you'll have to come over and reign your terror for me.

Working Mum said...

Ha ha ha! I love the picture you paint of demonic bug crusher! I guess you don't go camping then?

Lizzie said...

awesome story! it's nice to know i have a super hero killing sister in the blog world :)

Fresh Mommy said...

Eww, eww, eww!!! Those bugs are just creepy!!!! Go wolverine mom!!

:)
~Tabitha

Jenn said...

I'm commenting again because of ants. I hate ants. And they're EVERYWHERE in my house and out of my house this year.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I agree. Earwigs are very creepy.

Jen said...

this is exactly how I am with bugs and I have taught my children to do the same.

Beck said...

I save cute bugs.
Earwigs, however, get the nearest heavy object tossed upon them.

The Blonde Duck said...

That's so funny! I get that way when I'm around spiders.

Loukia said...

Earwigs are my most hated ever bug. I am seriously feeling all freaked out right now just thinking about them! They are the worst! And I always find them when I least expect it... I hate them! Followed by spiders and centipedes. (sp?) I also freak if I see a bee or a wasp. I actually will run around in circles, just leaving my kids staring at me like I am crazy.

Ami said...

Oh, man! I got the heeby-jeebies just looking at that picture. I hate bugs! Especially yucky looking ones.

Poxxy said...

I, too , have a policy concerning our six and eight footed "friends." As long as they atay in their appropriate corner, they are allowed to live. But venture forth from you nook, oh creepy-crawlie, and you risk the wrath of my boot!

Ness said...

Horray!! Another mom who believes in killing the little suckers. I don't catch and release these vermin who decide to invade my house! When they crawl into my house they are as good as dead!

Mammatalk said...

I hate mosquitos. They are harder to find and kill, so the victory is so much sweeter.

Heather of the EO said...

I'm terrified now.

And totally impressed not only at your excellent writing ability, but also that you cleaned the bathroom.

Tania @ Larger Family Life said...

Yup. Agree with you completely. Nasty little things.

Tania (via SITS)

The Laughing Idiot said...

You go get 'em!

I have wusses for children. They squeal in horror at those little tiny jumping spiders (piters as my 3 year old says). They are smaller than that spittle you cleaned off the mirror. So small, I mash them with a quick whap on the wall with my hand.

I'd love to have you drop by my place: Life Makes Me Laugh

carma said...

I've been writing about chiggers, but I don't think I've ever come across an earwig- even on my nighttime "potty breaks" - I'm glad for your victory!

Yaya said...

Hahaha! I've trained my dogs to attack all bugs!

Gabrielle said...

You are hilarious, great post!!

Down Comforter said...

Reminds of the time I made my 8 year old go on cricket-killing detail in our kitchen, while I waited safely in another room :-)

supah ~d said...

fo shizzle.. i am following you.. because you know what an earwig is.

THEY ARE THE WORST. I used to see them at my gram's growing up. we moved back here 3 years ago and I saw my FIRST one evah in my house.. a few weeks ago.

I was like. OMG. I'm being invaded. CALL IN THE EARWIG squad.. I will not have these effers in my home.

ewww they are so gross.. bastards! love your blog.. love it even more that you swore .. oddly enough. Someone called me a 'fowl' mouth once and refused to read my blog.. and now I have a vendetta myself for people like that. ;)

Enjoyed my time... i'll be back to stalk appropriately. Let's lay off those earwig pics.. seriously. Gross.
d

RockstarMama said...

Earwigs--AAAAAHHHHH!!! AAAHHHHH!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Barf.

Mel Bowman said...

This is great! Sounds just like me (right down to the love of x-men)...except here our battle is with sugar ants.