June 24, 2009

Fat

I don't usually feel fat.

I know, objectively speaking, that I am fat, it's just that I don't usually walk around feeling that way.

I was a skinny kid until I hit puberty and started gaining weight. I've been this size, the size I am now, since university except for a brief period in the mid-90's when I was bigger.

I felt fat then.

I was in my early twenties and, because I was only able to find clothes that fit me at plus-sized stores, I was forced to dress like a middle-aged librarian (not that middle-aged librarians are never stylish, but you know what I mean) . I was also out of shape and tired a lot of the time. I felt ugly and unlovable. I felt fat.

Then I totaled my car. I was rushing to work and blasted through a yellow light only to be confronted by a mini-van coming from the other direction and turning left across my lane. I swerved to avoid them, but hit them anyway. Smash! Crunch! You never forget that sound. Both cars did a full 360 before coming to a stop. No one was hurt. The mini-van was more or less okay. My poor little car, though, was a complete write-off. The front end was entirely smashed in.

After that I had to walk everywhere.

I lost weight.

My weight settled at what it is now. It settled in and bought curtains. It's been there ever since.

I'm still overweight but I don't usually feel fat. I'm smaller than I was. I'm able to shop and find clothes that fit in just about any store. I'm active and healthy.

Lately, though, I haven't been taking care of myself. It's been a stressful few months. I've been overeating. I haven't been getting to the gym. These things don't seem to make much of a difference to my weight but they do make a difference to how I feel.

I want to take better care of myself. I want to eat right and get to the gym. I want to feel good and healthy and strong.

And I'm worried that if I don't, I'll start to feel fat again.

.....

23 comments :

aforestfrolic said...

I know the feeling...I always feel better and not 'fat' when I'm working out and eating healthy (even if I could still lose a few pounds ;-) I hope you get back into your 'feel good' stage and glad that accident left you and the others unharmed.

Jamie :)

Pam said...

The same thing happens to me. Awareness is the first step to making positive changes. Hang in there. You'll get back on track soon. You've already made the first step.

mama-face said...

If misery love company then I hope it will help you to know that I feel fat too. Woke up this morning thinking (obsessing) about the same thing.

I will think of you as I slog through my "workout" today. If that helps...hope it does. :)

Lizzie said...

that's the key for me, eating better and being active may not make me "smaller" but i feel better :) good luck!!

The Red Headed Mama said...

I just started WW again and going back to the gym 3x a week for the same reason. Part of it is that I have my HS reunion coming up...but most of it is b/c I'm sick of not liking how I feel and what I see in the mirror.

Good luck! It's not easy but definitely worth it!

B said...

That whole "feeling fat" (feeling, not if you are or not) is a sign that you're just not feeling wonderful, so you just need to do whatever it takes to feel fantastic and great, because you are. Be good to yourself. Soon you'll be feeling terrific, and if you shed a pound or two, that's great too.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

You're definitely not alone. I know I have weight to lose, and a lot of it. I don't get to the gym at all, but I really could be doing more here at home to get my move-on! I just griped about this today and made today a new and fresh start for me, I hope you find positive changes help you, too! Good luck!

Elaine A. said...

OH girl, I hear you on this! Obviously right now is a little different since I'm with child but I've been on the same roller coaster. I hope you feel better about it soon...

Wifey said...

Great post. Whenever I don't workout or start eating bad I truly feel terrible. And Fat. Knowing that is half the battle.

Love your blog. Found you from SITS.

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Suzi said...

You are not alone. I feel that often lately. I too am active but then I feel the middle age spread and it gets me down.

AB HOME INTERIORS said...

Dont focus on the weight. Make smart choices so you feel good, and exercise. Move more eat less ( SNL skit hahah) As long as you make smart choices the number doesnt matter, and you wont feel the F word!

Beth said...

I know it. After #2 was born I was 205 lbs. Then - once I was done breastfeeding - I only got down to like 170 or 160. I finally did the South Beach Diet (as corny as it sounds - it is a change of lifestyle eating). It totally worked. The first day and a half were brutal. I looked at the clock constantly to see when I could eat. After that it was better. Good luck!

Working Mum said...

You are very perceptive. You've just put your finger on how I'm feeling. I'm the same size I've been for years, but don't feel healthy. Too busy, too stressed and not looking after my diet.

Suburban Turmoil said...

Good for you for recognizing it. Have you tried the Shred DVD? It's 20 minutes of hell, but it works and! Only 20 minutes! I love it. :)

Nerdy Jess said...

I know this feeling and I hate it! I obsess about this all the time, but I love good food so I suck at losing weight.

Brooke said...

i actually feel fat more often than not...if you know how to stop it then by all means do so!

visiting from sits

♥ bfs - Mimi ♥ said...

Here's hoping that we all love ourselves a little more!

Here from SITS. Enjoyed your post, and I hope that you far outreach the goals you set...and especially that good health is the outcome.

Jenn said...

I walk around feeling pretty thin most of the time. Then I catch a glimpse in a mirror and PRESTO! Who's the fat girl? Yep! Me. Suckola.

Lacie E. said...

Fat days are the worst I always think when I feel that way that everyone has these days even skinny people have fat days. I bought a workout bike from walmart (as cheezy as it sounds) and three nights a week I work out while i read or watch tv. the results have been slow but they are there. baby steps right? good luck

Mammatalk said...

Banish those "fat" thoughts. You are a queen! Be good to you!

ModernMom said...

This is a great post. I really think there are so many of us women feeling this way right now...something in the air?

I'm hitting the water and the veggies hoping to get my mojo back.

Good luck to you:)

~ A Moxie Mom said...

Ugh. DITTO!!! I am totally feeling the blubber blues at the moment. I feel so bloated that just catching my breathe is a chore. So needless to say, that I also started working out again. I had started blogging about a 12 week workout challenge... Oh 24 weeks ago... (I took a hiatus, but I'm back) and this time I WILL finish what I started. I am giving up on food therapy (it does make me happy) and eating healthier and less. As you can tell it's a struggle. LOL.

Ms Cupcake said...

Now following your blog!