January 13, 2009

This Much, at least, I Hold To Be True

My car stinks.

Yes. I must admit. It has an unpleasant odor.

Today I cleaned it out. Cleaning out the car is a task which transforms me, language-wise, into Gordon Ramsay. "Oh f'in hell!" "Oh come on!" "Put it in the bin!" "Argh!" "Grrr!" "Oh f' me!" and on (and on) while I bend and reach under seats and into nooks and crannies (and other tiny places) to remove all the various and sundry (how many words can I stuff into this sentence? keep reading to find out!) archeologically interesting and diverse artifacts buried, hidden and placed there as the days and weeks and months and years (except that I've cleaned the car before, so it can't be quite that long) go by, by my beloved and various, though apparently filthy, familial units (the members of my family, that is) (whew - that's 109 words. Yay!). (I had "erstwhile" instead of "various" in there and I looked it up in the dictionary to see if I was using it right. I wasn't. It means: "In the past. Formally". Since my familial units are not formally or in the past (thank heavens) I changed it... thought you'd like to know.)

Well anyway. I didn't find anything stinky. I found a bunch of discarded toys, a few coffee cups, a mangled kleenex box, mud off of the kids' boots (so. much. mud.). A few empty tupperware containers - you know, the usual stuff. No rotten food. Nothing dead.

So why does my car stink?

I think it's because we park it in the garage next to the garbage can.

So. What to do? We can't keep the garbage can outside because that's against our landlord's rules. We can't keep the car outside because there's nowhere to park it. A quandary fer sure, eh?

It's so gross. Urg. Suggestions? Seriously... Help me.

In other news...

I wish people would learn to snow drive already. You'd think that living in a very snowy place would have them acclimatized to snow driving. But no-o-o. Apparently they think it's a free for all out there. Especially people who drive SUVs (why is that?).

So, here's a refresher on snow driving:

1. Light on the gas, light on the breaks. If you floor your gas pedal, your tires will spin and your car will go nowhere until the spinning tires suddenly clear the snow from underneath and hit pavement. This will cause you to shoot forward dangerously fast, fishtailing out of control. You need to leave yourself more time to pull out so that you can start with a very light pressure on the gas pedal (feather toes, people, feather toes) then gradually increase pressure until the car moves forward in a nice controlled way that doesn't endanger me or my children (this last bit is key). You also need to leave yourself more time to stop. If you slam on your breaks at the last possible moment your car will not stop. It will slide and you will crash. Give yourself twice the space it would normally take you to come to a stop. Put gentle pressure on the breaks (feather toes again), gradually increase it until you come to a nice controlled stop that doesn't endanger me or my children (again, key). And yes, you still have to do these things even if you drive an SUV. Thank you.

2. You still have to stop at stop signs. Yes, even if you drive an SUV.

3. As Rick Mercer pointed out in a November blog post: "This is Canada. There's no such thing as all-season tires just like there's no such thing as all-season footwear. There is in southern California. They're called flip-flops. You wear them in all seasons up here you'd end up with no feet." You need snow tires. Go now and get snow tires. Go. Now. Why are you still here?

4. This is not a race. You will not get where you're going any slower if you let people in. Letting people in will only improve your Karma therefor allowing you to arrive earlier (try it, I dare ya).

5. Do not block intersections. If the traffic is blocked on the other side of the intersection, even if you have a green light, WAIT. Do not pull out so that your car is blocking the cars going the other way when the light changes. Just don't, okay? The rest of us are all trying to get somewhere, too.

Okay. Good.





Laura said...

I didn't realise until last week that;
- raisins don't go mouldy
- banana just turns to black slime.
- if you are looking for missing hairclips - they are all under the seat.

I cleaned my car last week for the first time in months.

jill said...

i've been chasing a mildewy, icky smell in my car for about a month. good news is that the car is VERY clean. it just smells weird.
i'll be back to look for wisdom from your readers. =D

Working mum said...

Treat it like the fridge and put a small, open tub of bicarbonate of soda somewhere the kids won't knock it over. Should absorb most of the smell. Otherwise, Oust or Febreze or whatever it's called in Canada.

So glad I don't have to drive in snow. More than three flakes here and everything closes!

Jen said...

My car doesn't smell but my hubbies sure does. And I have no idea why. Here's hoping that we can find a solution.

And I hope your snow driving lesson goes out to everyone!

CC said...

Sorry about the stink :(

Since I am "super" and all, I think I should be exempted from stopping at stop signs. Regardless of the weather. ;)